obsession

girls suckk dick.

im over the damn drama. how about you suck up your damn pride and apologize like a 16 year old girl. you have no idea what ive been through and if you think im gunna sit here and let you do this to me. your mistaken girl. i dont care what you think of me anymore i dont care if you get everyone to hate me and my boy friend. id rahter have my boy friends support then your damn fucking drama. you are a bitch and everyone knows it. you have used that innocent shit for too long now and it gets old. you have no idea what i am capable of. you will never win this battle and you will never ever make me believe that you are a “good person”. you are not a good person you purposely made my life suck. you have done nothing to get close to me. you play the sympathy card too much and its annoying. i dont care if people dont like me. i am truthful and call that being a bitch, there are people on this earth that will appreciate that about me. there are people on this earth that will love the person i am and my boy friend wont be a problem to them. 

you have no idea how i feel about you. i have never felt connected to you and i never will. i have never felt like i did with one of my old best friends. i have never looked at you and saw myself in your eyes. i use to be so close to someone in my past, she made me laugh, she made me the person i am today. and then she changed into someone i dont even know anymore. she was someone that i thought i would stand by for the rest of my life. she was the only person there when i thought that living wasnt an option. i miss her. well, i miss that connection and you never gave that to me. you not once ever tried to be that sort of friend to me. sometimes i wonder if i will ever find that in another girl. i thought you were that person, i thought you were the one that was gunna give me all this. but you turned out to be just like the rest of them. your fake, your a bitch, and your NOT my best friend…. anymore :/

ugh im not gunna let you get to me. your not gunna make me feel bad for feeling this way. and your not gunna make me fight for this anymore. i have friends and i dont need you anymore. this is my goodbye to the hate. this is my goodbye to all these things that i wanted to tell you but im not that much of a bitch. and i might come around to you again. just give me time… let me cool down or else all this will come out and i dont mean any of it. well i dont know if i mean it. usually i dont. and then i just say anything i can to hurt because i know nothing else. maybe i can fight for this friendship but im not sure. 

ill let you know. but for right now. you lied and you dont get the satisfaction of knowing i hurt more then you know.

im so tired of being second best.

you say you want your space, and you wanna be with your friends and i give that to you willingly and you take that and me for grantide. im so damn sick of all of this. you dont care and just want me here waiting for you so that when you feel like having a gf, man im the stupid bitch here waiting for you. i consider myself to be smart, so why do i keep coming back to someone that makes me feel this way? I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him and then he is pissed off. im over it. im over you. there is no way in hell that i am gunna let any of this happen again. you wanna go all weekend without seeing me and texting me once a day then there is no point in even going out anymore. go have fun with your friends, im not holding you back anymore, i am DONE. you dont have to be tied down anymore, you dont have to worry about me or if im gunna be here after a long night of your drunken mistakes. im wipeing my hands clean of you, you are out of my life. goodbye to an awesome person i thought you were. hello single life

you dont really realize what the words “rock bottom” mean until you hit it.

my blood is pumping so fast, i feel like i haven’t slept in weeks, my body is shutting down and telling me it can’t take it anymore. the boy that held me together is starting to slip away. i pray that God will help me through this time, because without him i don’t know if i could or would survive. my life feels like it is closing in on me inch by inch. some days seem like a blur and others feel like they could last a life time. the person i once was, the positive, upbeat, cheery, laughing, smiling girl that i once was. no longer is a part of my everyday life. i feel that girl slowly slipping away inside of me. and when it does, thats when i know i have hit ROCK BOTTOM :/

“there is nothing in life i wouldn’t change”…

is this true or are the people of this world told to say that. i battle that question every single day? do i really wish to not change my past? do i really think that everything in this world happens for a reason? sometimes i wonder if i truly don’t regret my past. but, then i just look at who i am today and what i have achieved thus far. have i made mistakes? of course… who hasn’t? But do i really wish to take all those hurtful moments, those rock bottom moments, the points in my life where i questioned my purpose of life, the point where i let go of people, all the heart shattering moments. do i realy wish for those all to just fade away?

my conclusion to this question is. FUCK NO! I don’t wish for any of my past to be erased. i don’t wish or regret anything i have done. i have fallen and gotten back up in life many, many times… but in the end i am who i am. i have impacted many lives along my journey and most of them for the better. there is not one thing that i would change. and i know many people say that and then turn around and are total hypocrites, but honestly i can say that with full meaning. my wrong decisions led me to some of the best people and best memories of my life. some of the people that ripped my life apart and caused a state of depression for me, led me to better people that i love to death. 

there are just some things in life that you have to learn to except. and failure is not one of mine that i like to admit. but, this is me an imperfect form of a human being. though fragile i love with full force, laugh with everything, live life to the fullest, and most of all move past my wrong doings and have NO REGRETS :)

I’m so tired of people telling me how to live my life. they say they know what is best for me, but if they really knew what was best for me… they would back off and let me live my life. I’m tired of hearing thousands of times what is expected of me, when just for once i would love to wake up and not have expectations riding on my shoulders. if only they knew that as soon as i am out of high school, I’m out of this house. I’m so done having everyone judge who i am and who i choose to be. some people in this life will never understand a girl like me, and to be honest I don’t really care. I’m so sick of waking up and feeling alone in this empty house. with lost love and lost hope, and i cant wait for the day that i can prove her wrong. she thinks I’m a fuck up, she thinks I’m not good enough. little does she know that I’m the best of all seven of us. I’m the one that will be taking care of her on her death bed because none of her other children give a rats ass about anyone. i cant stand grown ups who live there life in constant judgement of their kids. parents need to learn from their mistakes too and realize that kids are just frickin kids. and once you hit high school they need to stop telling you every five seconds what they want from you and what they think it best. just fucking back off of me and let me live my life. i don’t need your constant input on everything i do. ive made it to 15 without guidance from you, because you were always too busy to pay attention… and now you want to run my life? i don’t think so.

this roller coaster we call life is beginning to be too much for me. I cant stand the people on this earth, the ones that don’t know what they want. I don’t frickin expect you to be 25 I expect you to know what you want out of a relationship that has been going on for over a year. I can tell something is up, and whether I find out what it is will be the hard part. I’m thinking that at the moment I could be getting cheated on. Sounds crazy right? that the boy everyone thinks would never do such a thing would be cheating on ME. ha yeah i know. My mind is telling me to end it and my heart is telling me to stay. I cant have this constant struggle for survival, i just want to be me. I want to be the girl that he loves and the one that he was sure of from the very beginning. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck thinking to follow my thoughts and end the relationship today when I see him. I’m just so lost and confused and I thought I knew what I wanted but its like now i don’t. I thought I knew that he would always be mine, but now I’m not so sure. I thought that I knew that he would always come back to me and I would be the one he talked to and not some random girl. But, that is all fading away. The assurance that he is here is gone and I think its over.